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The Sporadic Chronicle
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31 Oct 2006
George Monbiot reveals how to save the planet in 10 easy steps. I'm especially impressed by this proposed overhaul to transport:
Promote the development of a new national coach network. City-centre coach stations are shut down and moved to motorway junctions. Urban public transport networks are extended to meet them. The coaches travel on dedicated lanes and never leave the motorways. Journeys by public transport then become as fast as journeys by car, while saving 90% of emissions. It is self-financing, through the sale of the land now used for coach stations.
So, that's sort of like the existing rail network then. Except brand new and using buses. And won't the buses running between town centres and the new out-of-town stops need facilities greatly resembling the coach stations he proposes disposing of to finance the scheme? Also proposed is mandatory nationwide energy rationing ("Timescale: a full scheme in place by January 2009") and laws to "ban wasteful and unnecessary technologies" such as incandescent lighbulbs and garden floodlights ("fully implemented by November 2007"). That's a tin of worms. Who decides what is wasteful? Would garden floodlights which use energy-efficient bulbs be permitted?
27 Oct 2006
After denying the "machine-gunning the prisoners" thing David Blunkett gives us more reasons to worry by announcing the "falling for a tiresome urban legend" thing:
An entry in his newly-published diary reveals how he had spoken to an old school friend, who had heard the story involving the return of a wallet to an Arab man and a warning not to be in London on 11 November. ... "I immediately registered the significance of this ... decided that I should at least tell Tony Blair as it was absolutely clear that nobody had fully thought through the significance. ... we were certainly going to have to take increased precautions."
Oh for heaven's sake, I despair. If security was stepped up because of this it means resources were diverted from elsewhere because Blunkett heard a story which probably started with the words "someone I know works with a guy who says he knows a lady who...". But some things start to make more sense. I can imagine Mr Blunkett, who is clearly thicker than wet cement, thinking that if only the man returning the wallet had been able to open it and look at an ID card then the police's job of tracking down the plotter would be made much easier...
27 Oct 2006
To look at these guys, you'd just never guess they're Tory MPs, would you?
Oliver Letwin and some other Tory front-benchers
24 Oct 2006
Those North Korean medical scientists (previously known for their Nerve Activators, 1/f Fluctuation Treatment System and Ring Of Power) have managed yet another great breakthrough: a mineral yeast capsule for treating and preventing diabetes.
It contains organic germanium, organic selenium, organic zinc, organic chromium...
Sounds to me a lot like some kind of toxic industrial byproduct, but then I'm not a diabetes expert.
23 Oct 2006
My folks came down at the weekend and we all trooped over to my brother and sister in law's place so everyone got to see the new arrival: Ben, their week-old baby boy. A good time was had by all, cooing noises were made, cups of tea drunk, celebratory cake eaten.
Ben with his grandma. Ben in the hairy arms of his Uncle Rob
It was a good day.
23 Oct 2006
I'm quite proud of this photo of a spider hanging in its web:
spider in web Alpine House at Kew Gardens
You can even make out the hairs on its spindly little legs. On the right: the Alpine House at Kew Gardens, just to balance the page layout a little.
17 Oct 2006
How incredibly odd:
David Blunkett told the head of the Prison Service to call in the Army and "machine-gun" rioting inmates to regain control of a jail in 2002, reports say. ... "[Mr Blunkett] shrieked at me that he didn't care about lives, told me to call in the Army and 'machine-gun' the prisoners and - still shrieking - again ordered me to take the prison back immediately."
Clearly someone isn't telling the truth, and it's either Prison Service man or Blunkett, who denies the incident:
A spokesman for Mr Blunkett told the newspaper: "He did not say anything about machine guns. Quite apart from anything else, they do not carry machine guns in the Prison Service."
Well, that would be why he said to get the army to do it, then. There's probably a compelling argument for ID cards hidden in there somewhere.
17 Oct 2006
"Are We Ruled By Interdimensional Reptilian Aliens?" asks Matthew Delooze:
Matthew Delooze was kidnapped by aliens as a child... Why do we see strange obelisks, ferris wheels and domes in our cities? ... What does the strange art in seaside towns in the North West of England mean? ...
He also has a blog, where topics such as the secret symbolism of Superman's costume are discussed at length.
13 Oct 2006
A verdict of unlawful killing has been delivered on a journalist killed by American fire during a crossfire in Iraq in 2003, and naturally the claim is made that he "was the victim not just of an unlawful killing, but also of a war crime". A survivor explains what happened when US tanks opened fire on the ITN convoy:
the second [ITN] convoy vehicle, which Mr Lloyd and Mr Osman were in, was stopped by an Iraqi military vehicle, he then saw an Iraqi military vehicle halt beside him and the soldiers inside then give him a "thumbs-up sign".
"At that same time gunfire started. It came from a distance," explained Mr Demoustier.
US tanks opened fire while the ITN convoy was stopped alongside Iraqi army vehicles. Is it now some kind of war crime to shoot at the enemy?
13 Oct 2006
I love those vaguely scientific-sounding stories about what "a study has shown", or "scientists have found", usually based on incredibly little evidence or produced by someone who's got something to sell. First you get something like this:
Eating fish in pregnancy reduces the risk of having a premature birth, scientists have found.
Then later you get something like this:
Eating too much oily fish during pregnancy may increase the risk of delivering the baby too early, scientists believe.
Phew, I'm glad that's nice and clear.
13 Oct 2006
I love those vaguely scientific-sounding stories about what "a study has shown", or "scientists have found", usually based on incredibly little evidence or produced by someone who's got something to sell. First you get something like this:
Eating fish in pregnancy reduces the risk of having a premature birth, scientists have found.
Then later you get something like this:
Eating too much oily fish during pregnancy may increase the risk of delivering the baby too early, scientists believe.
Phew, I'm glad that's nice and clear.
11 Oct 2006
Mystery goo causes alert:
A "flabby red, orange and green substance" was found by the road ... Fire officers in protective suits spent two hours inspecting the substance ...
It's easy to laugh, but we ought to remember they were right to be careful.
11 Oct 2006
I should have mentioned the North Korean nuclear test earlier but was waiting for the North Korean News agency to announce it, and they did yesterday; revelling in the use of "indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent":
... a stirring time when all the people of the country are making a great leap forward in the building of a great prosperous powerful socialist nation.
Marvellous. Of course just a week ago they were furious when the Japanese engaged in wild agressive sabre-rattling by doing some astronomy:
Not much penetration is needed to guess what the launch of an orbiting solar observatory is aimed at ... Japan's frenzied launch of an orbiting solar observatory is a criminal act of gravely and apparently threatening peace and stability on the Korean Peninsula ... madcap drive to turn itself into a military power...

09 Oct 2006
Home Office reveals ID card cost estimate:
The UK's national identity card scheme will cost £5.4bn to set up and run over the next 10 years, the Home Office has revealed.
Woo-hoo, what a bargain: £100 per head and already nearly twice the £3.1 billion estimated 4 years ago. But a small price to pay for finally - after so many decades in which these things were impossible - being able to collect parcels, use your bank accounts and buy age-restricted products. In other words, you won't be able to do those things without the card - not that it'll be compulsory, you understand.

Has that "risks and benefits" study been released yet?
09 Oct 2006
Lions in Scotland have a new toy to play with, to give them all the thrill of the hunt. It looks a bit funny, but seems to do the job:
"I believe this LionDrover will improve upon the results from the first study, which saw the females hunting and catching the Lionrover before the rest of the pride settled down around the device replicating the behaviour of lions on a kill in the wild," he said.
Excellent.
08 Oct 2006
I knew there are people who claim that technologies like transistors, advanced materials, optical fibres and printed circuit boards were given by aliens to Shadowy Government Agencies™ as payment for Human co-operation with Sinister Alien Schemes™. But I'd never before seen the claim that 8-track tape was invented by aliens:
Reports of UFO sightings followed all that summer [of 1964]. But then maybe the strangest thing of all happened. In the fall of 1964, late at night in a dark laboratory in Southern California, William Powell Lear gave birth to the 8-track tape. Bill Lear, glamour boy and eccentric scientific genius, a man who was on the verge of unleashing the amazing and mighty Learjet on the world and making then losing so much money it would drive him and his entire family nuts, created the endless loop tape cartridge. Right away, Bill Lear got on the phone to RCA who agreed to provide music from their vast library and Ford would offer the Lear Stereo Eight in its Lincolns, Galaxie LTDs and Thunderbirds.

One does not have to be a disciple of fringe to begin to suspect that, indeed, something was and is up. ...

Was Bill Lear in cahoots with the government all along? Was he being fed the goods on alien technology and passing off all those inventions as his own?
Well I'm certainly convinced.
08 Oct 2006
Still on the subject of museums, if I ever visit Blackfoot in Idaho I must remember their museum of potatoes:
The Idaho Potato Expo is a unique museum which appropriately showcases Idaho's Famous Potatoes®. The rich graphics showcasing the history of the potato will lead you through the revolution of the potato industry. ... The Potato Expo provides information on potato history, the growing and harvesting process, nutrition, trivia and educational potato facts. Watch a short video presentation on how the potato industry has developed.
Fantastic! And as if trivia and educational potato facts for just $3 wasn't enough of a bargain, you get a dollar off the admission charge as part of a group of 15 people or more. So be sure to take all your friends.
08 Oct 2006
If visiting Sacremento in California, be sure to visit the World Famous Asphalt Museum with its many exciting exhibits. I think it might be slightly tongue in cheek.
06 Oct 2006
While Harry Potter still tops the list of books that upset over-sensitive American parents, a couple of them want to stop their daughter's school using a book about the suppression of books:
A Caney Creek High School dad is fired up because the Conroe Independent School District uses the book "Fahrenheit 451" as classroom reading material. ...
"The book had a bunch of very bad language in it," Diana Verm said. "It shouldn't be in there because it's offending people. ... If they can't find a book that uses clean words, they shouldn't have a book at all."...
"It's just all kinds of filth," said Alton Verm, adding that he had not read "Fahrenheit 451." "The words don't need to be brought out in class. I want to get the book taken out of the class." He looked through the book and found the following things wrong with the book: discussion of being drunk, smoking cigarettes, violence, "dirty talk," references to the Bible and using God's name in vain. He said the book's material goes against their religions beliefs. ...
I don't remember it being such a source of foulness, but perhaps I should read it again just to check.
"Fahrenheit 451" is a science fiction piece that poses a warning to society about the preservation and passing on of knowledge as well as asks the question about whether the government should do the thinking for the people, [said the assistant superintendent for secondary education]. Other themes include conformity vs. individuality, freedom of speech and the consequences of losing it, the importance of remembering and understanding history and technology as help to humans and as hindrances to humans.
Quite so. Or alternatively...
She said she was offended by "the cussing in it and the burning of the Bible." Diana complained to her father. ... Verm lists "downgrading Christians" and "talking about our firemen" as reasons the book should be banned.
Good heavens, talk about totally missing the point.
04 Oct 2006
It's ages since I've looked at the North Korean News Agency and it turns out they've got a corker today in which they denounce aggressive Japanese astronomy and include the classic quote:
Not much penetration is needed to guess what the launch of an orbiting solar observatory is aimed at
The sun, perhaps?
Japan's frenzied launch of an orbiting solar observatory is a criminal act of gravely and apparently threatening peace and stability on the Korean Peninsula and the rest of Asia...
Yes, solar observatories do that. In other news, North Korea announces plans to test a nuclear bomb.
03 Oct 2006
You and I might have thought that appeasement of Hitler in the 1930s was a well-intentioned blunder, but according to prolific crazy person Henry Makow it was a cunning plot to trick Hitler into invading neighbouring countries:
Appeasement encouraged Hitler to think England wanted him to expand eastward against the USSR. ... Appeasement was designed to trap Hitler in a two-front war which would level Germany (and Europe) and kill sixty million people. ... Appeasement was designed to encourage Hitler to take action which would justify a declaration of war by the West.
Whoop whoop, loony alert. Also of note is that "Stalin was pre-primed to attack the Nazis in 1941" which comes as a great relief. I mean, seeing as how Germany advanced like greased lightning against a "pre-primed" Red Army I dread to think what might have happened if the Russians had been taken by surprise.

You may remember Henry Makow as the guy who claims that "the USSR was a creation of British Freemasonry, financed by the Bank of England [who] lost control of Stalin and created Hitler to menace him."
03 Oct 2006
The book "Ancient Gods and Their Mysteries: Will They Return in 2012 AD?" may be unremarkable nonsense, but just look at the author's amazing face! Great research, too:
Many of us agree ... that building the Great Pyramid of Giza exceeded the abilities of the Egyptians. Many serious students of the Great Pyramid believe it to be built by an ancient pre-Egyptian civilization such as Atlantis. I believe it was divine architects from the heavens who helped plan and build the Great Pyramid, and I will present arguments to support this view.
Riiight.
02 Oct 2006
Toe-curling Tory gimmick of the week: Webcameron, David Cameron's video blog. Oh, lordy. The report mainly discusses David Cameron's dishwasher.
27 Sept 2006
It's been an eventful few weeks for mooses in the news: they've been derailing trains, fighting crime and coming a cropper in town. But they seem to have calmed down from all that trouble they were up to a while back.

Aftenposten: Norwegian news in English, and the place for moose reports.
24 Sept 2006
President Kennedy once wrote the numbers 9 and 11 on the same page as the word "conspiracy", which means he predicted 9/11! I fully expect someone to write a book using this to argue that he was assassinated to stop him blowing the whistle on the plot. Talking of his assassination, apparently it was the Vatican (or the Federal Reserve, or George Bush, or Mossad, or a badly drawn man on the grassy knoll) that did it.
24 Sept 2006
The goal of Secret Technology Labs is to bring you the best in underground and suppressed technology, which they've spent years designing and testing. Things like a convenient pocket-sized UFO detector, splendidly quackish medical devices (the "Medical breakthrough of the century" can be yours for only $800) and a $290 psionic helmet which looks a lot like a cycle helmet with some random crap glued on. They also provide a variety of time travelling products: $25 buys the 'Time Travelers Compendium' (includes plans for an Ectoplasmic Oscillator, whatever that is), while $500 gets you a fully functioning Hyper Dimensional Resonator.
19 Sept 2006
Bald man invents anti-gravity, needs £250,000 to build a prototype:
A high voltage of direct current is passed through the coil. This causes the electrons to flow so quickly that they produce a negative backwards force, resulting in the absence of gravity.
Wow, that makes no sense whatsoever.
Paul has applied for a patent, but he has another selling point for investors - a method he has devised for extracting energy from gravity, generating electricity without creating any pollution.
Now this sounds like classic "free energy" and perpetual motion talk based on wild misunderstandings of how reality works. A bit of googling for '"paul tatham" gravity' finds the following:
Have a look at my website.
http://particles.mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk
This explains all of the mysteries and suggests that the problem is that scientists have made errors.
The errors are discussed.
It also discusses the cause of cancer
At this point the delusion-o-meter starts to go off the scale: He's done all that, yet somehow the Nobel Prizes elude him.
18 Sept 2006
The craftmanship displayed by effigy-builders is shockingly poor:
Pope effigy set on fire Pope effigy set on fire
At least make some kind of an effort. I've seen more convincing bonfire Guys built by children.
18 Sept 2006
This is magnificent:
A number of Nigerian politicians have been conned out of thousands of dollars by people selling papers purporting to certify them as "corruption-free". ...
Hats off.
17 Sept 2006
As a nun and her bodyguard are murdered in Somalia the BBC tells us it is "unclear if the shooting is connected with strong criticism by a radical Somali cleric about the Pope's recent comments on Islam" which sounds fair enough. After all, "strong criticism" of the Pope is hardly an instruction to go out and kill nuns, so I can see it would be unclear whether the criticism and shooting were connected. It isn't until the end of the article that we discover the nature of this strong criticism:
On Friday, hardline cleric Sheikh Abubakar Hassan Malin told worshippers at his mosque to hunt down and kill whoever offended the Prophet Mohammed.
That's "strong criticism"? Thank goodness he didn't resort to "vigorous denunciation" or even - perish the thought - escalate as far as "aggressive castigation".
17 Sept 2006
The Sulabh International Museum of Toilets in New Delhi sounds like a remarkable place:
Museums as repositories for the preservation and exhibition of the objects of historical, scientific and cultural interest are found all over the world. But rare are the museums that display the evolution of toilets and their various designs.
Rare indeed, especially ones which can boast a "collection of facts, pictures and objects detailing the historic evolution of toilets from 2,500 BC to date."
17 Sept 2006
Somebody's blogging their paranoid delusions, such as wireless webcams remotely influencing their thoughts...
Here's a more sophisticated system to tell your neighbors off with! Let them know they are hated by God, spirits, demons, the neighbors, all their relatives, and repeat the taped recordings to replay on their minds over and over and over ... for hours of enjoyment! Couple this with indoor surveillance tv, radar, sonar and whatever you need to see their naked bodies in a variety of settings, just like the caged animals they already are, sending them broadcast messages how to do high colonics, thinking "Jesus teaches me how to do this" (an old roommate insisted this) ... and what else? How to shoot our brains out or channel spirits?
...and being attacked by radio:
As I sit here, being assailed by Radio Waves...
They are crashing in on the side of my head... you know, the NBC transmitters that strike me every so often ... Well I know now that the Radio Frequency kids who hit me on the skull, breaking my eardrums, tuning out my normal thoughtwaves, thinking - as we call it - used metal walls to bounce those things off of, to crash in on my skull, imbibing me with the radio transmitters they shot them thar things out of.
Still, I suppose it makes a change from people writing about their cats.
15 Sept 2006
Oh dear, this smells badly of desperation:
Iraq's interior ministry has announced plans to increase security in Baghdad by digging trenches around the city, and surrounding it with checkpoints.
Imagine the meeting where that was decided.
"Gentlemen, we need to stop these car-bombers and kidnappers and other attacks. Any suggestions?"
<awkward silence>
"Come on, we've got to be able to do something."
"Well, there is one thing..."
"What is it?"
"We could dig big ditches all the way round the city."
<even more awkward silence>
"Let's do it."

Meanwhile, even the American army looks to be wearing out. This is just depressing.
15 Sept 2006
If you've got some spare cash, now might be a good time to invest in flammable effigies of the Pope.
14 Sept 2006
Silly lawsuit alert:
A Starbucks customer in the US who was told her free drink voucher was worthless is launching a $114m (£60m) lawsuit against the coffee colossus.
Yes, that certainly seems like a reasonable and proportionate way to solve your disappointment at not getting a free cup of coffee.
14 Sept 2006
International Community pulls together as strongly as usual:
Poland has announced it will send 1,000 troops to Afghanistan...
Yay! Go, Poland.
...but will not arrive until February
Oh, for heaven's sake.
13 Sept 2006
Pravda's splendid science coverage continues with 'Humanoid robots existed in ancient civilizations':
In terms of technology, the following analogies fall into place if we see the story of Thalos through the eyes of a twenty-first-century man: the “black oily blood” may be fuel or lube oil in a hydraulic system; the “false visions” may refer to a guided radar jamming designed to interfere with the robot’s program; and a “horned head” may allude to radar antennas.
Oh riiight, when put like that it's so obvious.
13 Sept 2006
Getting lost in the Australian Outback is slightly careless, but to do it twice in a week requires exceptional imbecility.
12 Sept 2006
Of course there's nothing funny about domestic violence, but this tale has quasi-comical aspects:
The extraordinary argument ended when Mr Watson tried to strangle his wife - only releasing his grip when she appealed to his religious beliefs. She begged: "I'm anointed by God, you know that, Michael. Do not touch God's anointed."
And I bet one of them had suggested "having a quiet night in with a DVD."
10 Sept 2006
Just finished reading 'The Air Loom Gang', all about the eventful life of James Tilley Matthews who should be remembered for: Clearly he was a man well ahead of his time. Nowadays people who say the government or criminal gangs are controlling their brains and attacking them with various radio or microwave devices are commonplace, but James Tilley Matthews came up with this back in the 1790s.
07 Sept 2006
Whenever anyone asks me "Why do we need to travel into space?" I always reply "Because we get to push the boundaries of knowledge."
07 Sept 2006
In what some might interpret as a frantic attempt to save his co-conspirators from execution, Bali bomb plotter Abu Bakar Bashir says it was all the CIA's doing:
In an interview tonight on ABC television's Foreign Correspondent, Bashir claims the device that killed most people in the Bali attack was a Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) "micro-nuclear" bomb.
"The micro-nuclear bomb that did so much damage was a CIA bomb, not Amrozi's bomb," Bashir told the ABC.
"The Bali bombing was actually masterminded by America. Well, not masterminded, but hijacked. They [Amrozi et al] planned it, but their plan was hijacked by America."
Riiiight. Jemaah Islamiyah were going to plant a bomb, but then the CIA planted a bigger bomb to make them look bad. Not just a normal bomb, but a nuclear bomb. I think someone's been taking Joe Vialls way too seriously. Bashir continues:
"I don't know whether the Australian Government pretends not to know this, or really doesn't know.
"If they don't know, then they're stupid. But I think they're just pretending not to know."
Bashir described the device used in the bombing as a "micro-nuclear bomb", and says the bomb originally intended for use in the attack "would not have killed people, only injured them".
In clear contrast to the CIA's murderous nuclear weapon, Jemaah Islamiyah's bomb was be a special humanitarian slightly-injuring-bomb. He concludes by telling us about one of the great mysteries of our time:
"The Australian Government still treats me like an enemy for reasons that are unclear."
Hmmmm, that's certainly a puzzle.
06 Sept 2006
William Shatner news:
Captain Kirk with a laser gun thing Some of his Star Trek co-stars are still upset with him:
The surviving members of Star Trek have ditched plans for a reunion because many of them insist they are still scarred by fellow actor William Shatner's hurtful attitude on set. ... Nichelle Nichols, 72, who played Lt. Uhura, says Shatner is "an insensitive, hurtful egotist". ...
I think this just shows that whenever truly great artists work together tempers can get a bit frayed, and some people are still harbouring grudges which they should have got over by now. More disappointingly, Shatner has turned down Richard Branson's offer of a free flight into space. The man said:
"I'm interested in man's march into the unknown but to vomit in space is not my idea of a good time. Neither is a fiery crash with the vomit hovering over me."
Come on, Bill, don't knock it until you've tried it.
04 Sept 2006
The biological shortcomings of B-movie monsters are examined by a biology professor from the University of Chicago:
Stop the projector! Time for a little analysis.
For the first time, the true reason behind the defeat of the octopus in It Came from Beneath the Sea is revealed:
The evidence clearly points to the poor cephalopod suffering a sudden and massive cerebral hemorrhage from this excess pressure just as it rips down the Golden Gate Bridge. The subsequent passivity of the giant octopus now makes perfect sense--its higher faculties were gone and the only responses it made were due to peripheral reflexes ...
I hadn't thought of that. It's still a cracking good film, though.
03 Sept 2006
Rabbit show jumping started in Sweden, and is popular in Denmark (click "Rabbit hopping" link at left of the page if this direct link doesn't work - they've got videos!). Please note that Rabbit Jumping should not be confused with Rat Agility, in which rats negotiate obstacle courses.
03 Sept 2006
The Exopolitics Institute works to promote peaceful communication with alien civilisations and disseminate unspecified "technologies that evidence suggests is extraterrestrial in origin". Conveniently, they'll let you join if you pay them quite a lot of money ("As a member you will be entitled to receive discounts at all Exopolitics Institute events", which is nice). Alternatively you can pay them quite alarming amounts of money to receive their diplomacy and politics certificates or diploma.
31 Aug 2006
Captain Blood - film poster Seen on DVD: 'Captain Blood' - not only the very first Errol Flynn swashbuckler, but the film which launched both Flynn and Olivia de Havilland out of bit parts and into leading roles. But that's quite enough cinema history, so what's it like? Not as good as 'The Sea Hawk' by a long way but still good solid entertainment once it gets going, which takes a while. I mean for heaven's sake, it's the better part of an hour until the first proper action, until which we have to put up with dialogue and character development and stuff. And the closing shot is distinctly nauseating, as Flynn and de Havilland gaze cutely at the camera in misty-eyed soft focus. But those complaints aside it gets a thumbs up for having the required ships with people swinging through the rigging, plucky underdogs, a villain who gets what's coming to him, all that sort of stuff.

There's some good quotes in it, too:
In the middle of a raging sea battle...
"Captain, the ship is sinking. What should we do?"
"Do? Why, board one which isn't sinking of course!"

31 Aug 2006
Evangelist drowns trying to walk on water:
"He told churchgoers he'd had a revelation that if he had enough faith, he could walk on water like Jesus ... He walked into the water, which soon passed over his head and he never came back."
And the moral of the story is: learn to swim before trying to walk on water.
30 Aug 2006
Royal Mail has suspended a postie for telling customers how to stop receiving the unaddressed junk which Royal Mail are paid to shove directly through your letter-box. Quite apart from the dubious ethics of suspending an employee for telling his customers about an opt-out service his firm offers, this is a spectacular commercial own goal. Like everyone else, I was entirely unaware it was possible to opt out of this until Royal Mail made a national news story out of it. The opt-out service existed but was totally unpublicised - there wasn't even any mention of it anywhere in the bowels of their website. But here, as a public service, is what you have to do:

Inform them in writing at "Door to Door Opt Out, Royal Mail, Kingsmead House, Oxpens Road, Oxford, OX1 1RX". For your convenience, here's one I wrote earlier for you to complete and send. This cannot be done by e-mail, web, or phone. It used to be, but now people know about it Royal Mail are shutting down options. Until some time this morning you could opt out by phoning Royal Mail Sales at 08457 950950, but then the phone line stopped taking those calls. It also used to be possible to opt out by e-mailing optout@royalmail.com, but all that gets you now is a reply with a form for you to print out, fill in, and post to them. They tell me this is because they're receiving too many e-mails to process and not the frantic construction of obstacles to people removing themselves from lucrative junk deliveries. This is of course preposterous, as it must be more laborious to process a paper form than an e-mail.

Please be aware (Royal Mail don't tell you this) that the opt-out will lapse after one year, at which point you'll have to do it again. Also, this is quite different from the addressed junk opt-out available via the Mail Preference Service.
29 Aug 2006
The sorry tale of aging anarchist punk Garfield Gabbard's betrayal made me laugh so hard I nearly sprained a lung:
Then, in the early 2000s Garfield was jailed for setting fire to a police riot van during an anti-capitalist/anti-globalisation protest (1999 November 30 protests) Garfield was masked up when he set fire to the police riot van, but another so-called protester decided to take a dislike to Garfield's action and removed his mask, allowing the police to clearly identify him.
Yes, that's the problem with people nowadays - they just won't let you anonymously set fire to vehicles like they used to in the good old days.
29 Aug 2006
According to an ancient Indian astologer, Pluto's demotion proves the correctness of ancient Indian astrology:
"Indian astrology did not include Pluto as a planet and the latest announcement by leading global astronomers after a marathon week-long meeting at Prague only endorsed the Indian mathematical astrology of Aryabhatta and Varahamihira in the sixth century," eminent mathematical astrologer Mangal Prasad said.
In other astrological news, Mel Gibson's drink-driving anti-semitic outburst was foretold in the heavens. How so, you ask? Let celebrity Astrologers Angelo Merlino and Lisa Sydney explain:
"A double whammy occurred at the precise time of his DUI, as the sign Gemini ruled by the planet Mercury was on the rise and the force behind his wheels", state Merlino and Sydney. ... The astrologers go on to explain that Mel Gibson is a traditional Capricorn native with a nurturing, sensitive Cancer ascendant ruled by a moon in Libra. ... His Venus is in the sign of Aquarius along with Chiron, the healer, makes him a crusader and a man with a mission. However, with the good comes the bad -- the intensity of an explosive Pluto makes a powerful aspect to his passionate Mars as he pushes the cosmic envelope triggering the influence of Neptune, the planet of drugs and alcohol, in his astrological chart.
I don't know about you, but I'm certainly convinced.
25 Aug 2006
It looks like the decision to strip Pluto of its planet status has started a big fight among astronomers, which promises to be hugely entertaining. They should settle this properly - on a special episode of Jerry Springer ("My Idiot Colleague Demoted Pluto!") or with a televised cage match. It does seem a bit odd to class Pluto as a fully-fledged planet, given that it's only 2/3 the diameter of our Moon.
24 Aug 2006
A rather silly dispute has reared its head about whether the RAF or Royal Navy deserves credit for preventing a German invasion of Britain. "The Few, never in the field of Human conflict, etc" say the Fighter Boys, as they twirl their handlebar moustaches. "Nonsense", say the Navy types "Mightiest battleships in the world. Spirit of Drake, Trafalgar, etc", while stroking their grizzled beards. Oh for heaven's sake, surely the truth is stunningly obvious:

No invasion force could hope to cross the Channel in the face of opposition from the Royal Navy. Therefore the Germans would have to destroy it, either at anchor or while steaming to the Channel to intercept the invasion. Submarines and aircraft - of which they had plenty - are very good at sinking warships. So they could destroy the Royal Navy and stop it savaging the invasion fleet. But RAF fighters would shoot down German bombers attacking the British battleships, while the RAF's bombers would of course attack the invasion fleet: German fighter planes couldn't do the two jobs of protecting the invasion fleet from bombers and protecting the bombers which would have to attack the approaching British fleet. However... if the Luftwaffe destroyed all the RAF fighters before the invasion - after which they could probably destroy RAF bombers fairly easily - then this problem disappears. The German invasion fleet would then be immune from air attack because there'd be no RAF planes to attack it. The Royal Navy would do its valiant and plucky best, but without friendly fighter planes and under attack by submarines and the entire Luftwaffe, would sink quicker than the Japanese ships at Midway.

The RAF, by keeping control of skies, allowed the Royal Navy to stay afloat and keep any invasion fleet at bay. Credit to them both.
24 Aug 2006
Astronomy news: one of our planets just got demoted.
Astronomers have voted to strip Pluto of its status as a planet. ...
It's harsh, but fair. As the man explains:
"I have a slight tear in my eye today, yes; but at the end of the day we have to describe the Solar System as it really is, not as we would like it to be," said Professor Iwan Williams, chair of the IAU panel
Quite so. I wonder what the astrological implications of this are: if one of the planets which astrolgers have been using to make their predictions isn't actually a planet after all, then... does that mean that horoscopes might have been inaccurate all this time?
24 Aug 2006
Quote of the week:
"The scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically."
A BNFL official, on Madonna's plan to eradicate nuclear waste by chanting and thinking happy thoughts.
23 Aug 2006
Bravo to the German police for thwarting an attempt to blow up trains in Cologne by, erm, how to say this - young men of a Middle Eastern and radically religious background. It'll be interesting to see how this gets blamed on Germany's aggressive foreign policies, involvement in Iraq, slavish obedience to the Bush administration etc.
23 Aug 2006
News snippets:
23 Aug 2006
I got back from a long weekend in the Lake District yesterday evening. One day of lashing rain, one dry but cloudy day, then one great day which was dry and had cloud just brushing the top of Scafell Pike, creating intermittent thick fog which lifted to afford fleeting all-round views.
Wastwater, viewed from Ling Mell Small bridge over beck, Wasdale Head
Gable and Styhead Tarn, from Ling Mell Styhead Tarn, from Ling Mell
Looking to Scafell, from Scafell Pike Drystone wall

22 Aug 2006
The promised album of Dolomite pictures is here.
15 Aug 2006
Get ready for the crowds outside Iranian embassies worldwide, screaming threats and burning flags:
An international contest of cartoons on the Holocaust has opened in Tehran in response to the publication of caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad in a Danish newspaper last September. ...
Masoud Shojai, head of the country's "Iran Cartoon" association and the fair organiser, said that "we staged this fair to explore the limits of freedom Westerners believe in".
He said: "They can freely write anything they like about our prophet, but if one raises doubts about the Holocaust he is either fined or sent to prison."
Holocaust denial is a crime, attracting fines or prison terms, in 12 western countries. Iranian courts, please note, can impose the death penalty for blasphemy.
[Mr Shojai] added that around 1,100 cartoons were submitted by participants from more than 60 countries and that more than 200 are on show.
Meh, whatever. As a result I expect a total of zero buildings to be set on fire or stormed by gunmen, no embassies to be closed nor ambassadors recalled, and nobody to be killed in rioting.
15 Aug 2006
We in Britain like to snigger at the Americans for their ongoing fight over teaching Biblical creation stories as science. Such a thing, we seem to think, couldn't happen over here where we're far more enlightened. Think again, as we learn that more than 30% of students in the UK say they believe in creationism or its sickly child called "intelligent design".
In the Opinionpanel survey, nearly 20% [of British students] said they had been taught creationism as fact by their main school.
What? The mind boggles.
Most [British students] thought it would be best to teach a range of theories, but nearly 30% of those who supported creationism felt that pupils should learn about creationism alone.
It would be nice to dismiss this poll as an aberration, but it broadly agrees with this other one in January which found that "Four out of 10 people in the UK think that religious alternatives to Darwin's theory of evolution should be taught as science in schools".
According to Linda Woodhead, professor in the sociology of religion at Lancaster University, religious studies is now the biggest growth subject in schools...
...at the same time as physics and chemistry are in decline. It's the start of a new Dark Ages, that what it is. Grumble mutter mutter.
14 Aug 2006
It's of course possible that the current airport security alert and related arrests could go the same way as the "ricin plot", the "red mercury plot" or the "Forest Gate chemical plot", but the reaction of conspiracy theorists, including noted expert journalist Robert Fisk, is wonderfully entertaining. My favourite is reputable BBC source Wayne Madsen, who reports that "knowledgeable sources in the UK and other countries" - who I suspect exist only in Madsen's fevered brain - tell him that the alert is a move by Rupert Murdoch and Tony Blair to stop an attempt by Gordon Brown, Prince Charles and Ken Livingstone to wrestle Blair from office:
what prompted Murdoch and Blair to hype a new global "terror" threat was what Murdoch learned from eavesdropping on the phone calls of Prince Charles' staff at the future king's office, home, and limousine. The eavesdropping revealed that Charles was working with Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown, who is to the left of Blair, to conduct the same type of political maneuver that John Major used to oust Margaret Thatcher from office. London's left-wing Mayor, Ken Livingston[sic], was also in on the Charles-Brown plan and it was expected that in return for his support, Livingston would get a senior position in a Brown cabinet -- a development that sent shock waves through the neo-con circles in London, Washington, and Jerusalem ...
Mad as a sack of weasels.
14 Aug 2006
I'll put together a proper album fairly soon, but in the meantime - now the card reader's working - here are some pictures from my time in the Dolomites:









13 Aug 2006
I get back home from a week of walking and clambering along via ferrata in the Dolomites and what do I find? My card reader's playing up so I can't copy the pictures from my camera onto my PC. Grrr. I'll get it sorted and post pictures of the Dolomites in their glory as soon as I can.
02 Aug 2006
Good news in Kansas, as control of the Board of Education shifts from away from those who favour teaching fairy tales. Mind you, it's probably cyclic and will head back the other way in due course.
02 Aug 2006
The American Cheese Society promotes cheese and cheese-related products. I love this quote:
Make your plans NOW to be part of the American cheese revolution!
In Britain, the Cheese Society removes another reason for ever leaving the house by letting you buy cheese online.
01 Aug 2006
The working language of the European Bureau for Lesser Used Languages seems to be English.
31 Jul 2006
What a headline: "Magic Cheese" Turns Out to be a Scam. But it all sounded so convincingly plausible:
People were persuaded to buy a powder which they could allegedly turn into "Magic Cheese" [which they were told] was the latest fashion in France, where women used it as a skin cosmetic to fight the effects of ageing. The fraud consisted of selling people packs of Yo Flex powder that was said to be the raw ingredient of the magic cream. According to reports, victims of the scam believed they only had to mix the powder with milk, to ferment the "Magic Cheese". They were told they could then sell the cheese to a company, which would export it to France, where it would be sold on to French women at a premium. ...
Right.
27 Jul 2006
There's trouble with fatties in hospital: reinforced beds are being bought, and some of them are such porkers that medical equipment can't cope:
More and more obese people are unable to get full medical care because they are either too big to fit into scanners, or their fat is too dense for X-rays or sound waves to penetrate, radiologists reported Tuesday.
Good heavens. Just how fat do you have to be before the blubber starts to unduly impede X-rays?
25 Jul 2006
Thank goodness, it's 'not guilty' in the Strange Case Of The Stuff Which Never Existed (which sounds like it should be one of Sherlock Holmes' undocumented adventures). Now with any luck the police and prosecutors can stop wasting everybody's time with nonsense and, you know, actually try and catch some real terrorists.
21 Jul 2006
Pravda's science news continues to excel, recently bringing us the following gems:

19 Jul 2006
With a couple of guys from work I went camping in the Lake District at the weekend and we had a good stretch of the legs on Saturday:
Stickle Tarn. Picture: Tom Whalley. View South from Bow Fell.
From the Old Dungeon Ghyll Hotel in Great Langdale to Stickle Tarn, Jacks Rake to Harrison Stickle, Loft Crag, Pike of Stickle, Angle Tarn, Great End, Esk Pike, Bow Fell, Crinkle Crags, Red Tarn, down to Oxendale, back to Old Dungeon Ghyll Hotel for dinner and other refreshment. I make that just over 14 and a half miles with 5,500 feet of ascent, in ten and half hours. But phew, what a scorcher of a day - we had to fill up water bottles from streams en-route to survive.
12 Jul 2006
I find this quite remarkable:
The jury in the case of three men accused of a "dirty bomb" plot has retired to consider its verdict. ... They were arrested in 2004 after allegedly trying to buy "red mercury" in a News of the World sting. ... The prosecution claim the defendants were looking for a supply of red mercury for a buyer from the Middle East who was willing to pay £500,000. ...
So what is this "red mercury" they were (allegedly) trying to get hold of?
Red mercury is a semi-mythical substance that was claimed to be used in the creation of nuclear bombs... A conventional explosion of red mercury is supposedly powerful enough to similarly trigger a fusion reaction, without the need for nuclear fission [which sounds implausible -- Rob]. ... no substance of this nature has ever been shown to exist.
So... they're being prosecuted for trying to acquire a fictional substance. Does the complete non-existence of the thing not matter? Not according to the prosecution:
[The prosecution] added: "The Crown's position is that whether red mercury does or does not exist is irrelevant."
He warned the jury not to get "hung up" on whether red mercury actually existed at all.
I can't describe quite how strange I find that. Presumably a 'guilty' verdict will mean we'll see people being prosecuted after sting operations involving vorpal blades, photon torpedoes and kryptonite. Just imagine possible scenarios:
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, The Crown will prove beyond doubt that the defendant went to great lengths to acquire a number of triffid seeds. We will further prove that with these seeds he intended to cultivate a veritable forest of walking poisonous man-eating plants which would pose a terrible threat to public safety, causing death and carnage and mayhem. ... Now don't get too hung up about triffids being completely fictional, for The Crown's position is that whether this plant species does or does not exist is wholly irrelevant.
Or, in the spirit of sting operations:
"Psst, want to buy some daleks?"
"Okay"
"You're nicked!"
Or why not...
"This man attempted to purchase a sword from an undercover police officer and a News Of The World journalist. No ordinary sword, but Hrunting - the magical sword of Beowulf. Just imagine what he could be done with that, if it exists, which it doesn't, but that doesn't matter."
Too strange. Just too strange.
[Update: 'not guilty']
12 Jul 2006
Proof of God via Banana - the funniest video I've seen in ages, but I can't quite work out whether it's meant to be serious or satire. For those without video, the argument runs like this:
Bananas are convenient to eat. Thus God exists.
Goodness, the Disgruntled Chemist found this longer video of which the Banana Proof Of God's Existence is a small part. It's absolutely serious, featuring kiwi evangelist Ray Comfort and evangelist/actor Kirk Cameron.
06 Jul 2006
The death of ultra-fraudster Kenneth Lay of course set nutters off speculating that his so-called "death" from a so-called "heart attack" was nothing of the sort, including this impressive piece written within hours of the news breaking:
Call me paranoid. If I were as rich as Ken Lay, I'd arrange to appear to have died, so my friend George Bush wouldn't have to pardon me. ... If I were Ken Lay, worth tens or hundreds of millions, I'd have set a plan, in case I was convicted, to get out of the country in a way that would allow George Bush to just forget about me. ... If I were Ken Lay, I'd wait until a big news day, like today, with the [media] going nuts covering the firecrackers, trumped up to be missiles, that the Koreans unsuccessfully fired off. If I were Ken Lay, I'd arrange to seem to have died. ... I would certainly expect that he has the capacity to arrange for someone to be killed, in a way that looks like a heart attack, or find a person willing to commit suicide, who looks enough like him, who might even get the same dental work, in exchange for a gift to his family. ... By the way, there's another idea buzzing around today-- that Lay might, in an effort to reduce his sentence, have been negotiating to spill the beans-- to testify so others could be prosecuted. And now Kenny's dead. Maybe he was killed.
Yes, I'll call you paranoid.
06 Jul 2006
Piracy of the real sort, not just the making-an-unauthorised-copy-of-a-file sort, continues to be a problem:
"We've had cases where a fully-laden oil tanker has sailed down the Malacca Straits, the second busiest shipping route in the world, with no one at the controls because the crew have all been held at gunpoint. We've had gun battles being fought on board gas tankers.
Lawks. Given the consequences of being seized by pirates - murder, kidnap and rape as well as pillage - there seems a strange reluctance to make an obvious response:
Yet there is little appetite for arming merchant crews, not least because of the potential legal complications for crew members who might shoot someone in an attack. And [nautical trade union] Numast has expressed fears it would only trigger an "arms race with the pirates".
Of course an arms race would be terrible: you might end up being outgunned in, erm, some way that you aren't at the moment when the pirates are armed and you're completely unarmed. And are potential legal complications really a concern as gun-toting cut-throats board your ship?
"Yarrrrrr..."
"I warn you, I'm armed!"
"Yarrr harrr harrr, but just think of the legal complications if ye shoots me."
"Oh bugger."
Wow, Numast has links to shipcams - webcams on ships.
06 Jul 2006
The latest and greatest science news brought to you by 'Pravda':
05 Jul 2006
Matt Frei provides valuable expert analysis of the North Korean missile tests:
North Korea is the aggressive wolf child, twisted by years in the wilderness. It clearly needs a hug but is afraid to ask for one.
Riiiight, now I understand. Thanks, Matt.
04 Jul 2006
To start the month here are a few pictures of no special merit, taken during recent wanderings:
dog leash hooked on barbed wire warning that dogs among livestock may be shot
rusted water tower church wall and sky
fence with 'private gallops' sign Old AA ford depth marker
cricket pavilion old and new roofs

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